Exploring Non-Monogamy – Many & More

Big Love’s Polygamist Mormon family

A few years ago I made a friend who told me his was polyamorous and I genuinely had no idea what he meant. I’d come across the idea of polygamy (more than one wife, generally not viewed very favourably in western society) but really as far as I knew it, a relationship was always two people, that was what was normal and that was what worked. For some people, being monogamous isn’t something they’ve ever felt comfortable with and they see this as part of their identity, a form of sexuality. For others, it may be a lifestyle that they choose to be a part of. The rather amazing and comprehensive map below shows some of the various forms non-monogamy (by Franklin Veaux, click to expand).

One of my friends is a poly activist and through a lot of in-depth conversations with him and my own experiences and explorations, I’ve come to a place of questioning how we arrive at ideas of what a relationship ‘should’ be. Some of the ideas he and others have espoused to me have definitely challenged some of my previously held views. In the same way that we might be brought up to think that a relationship should be between a man and a woman, of similar age (perhaps the man can be a little older, but not too much), race and background, but may later go on to reject or adjust these views to include more diversity of experience. Similarly, I wonder if notions of monogamy just something I’ve swallowed from my upbringing and taken on, without ever really considering? (note – I’m not expert on this topic, these are merely my own thoughts and reflections and no doubt they don’t reflect all of the complexity of different forms of non-monogamous relationships)

Love doesn’t run out – This was one of the main ideas I’ve heard people using, and it rings very true for me. Is love a finite resource? And if I love one person, does that mean I don’t have any left for others? Indeed, I have a lot of friends and family members that I love. The presence of others doesn’t seem to impact on how much I care about these individuals or the quality of our relationship (provided others don’t actively interfere). So I do believe it’s possible to love more than one person, and that I’ve often seen that in romantic/sexual love as well as the more platonic  So it seems very possible that you can fall in love with more than one person at the same time, so what happens then? I guess traditionally (and as is often part of the plot of the cheesier of soap operas), you have to (often painfully) pick. But what if you didn’t have to? It feels quite a strange notion to consider that you could love two people (or even more) without it being a conflict, which to me feels quite freeing.

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New guidelines for working therapeutically with Sexual & Gender Minority Clients

It’s already shaping up to be a good year for gender and sexual diversity in mental health. Last month the BPS (British Psychological Society, the organisation that oversees all practising psychologists in the UK) released the document ‘Guidelines and Literature Review for Psychologists Working Therapeutically with Sexual and Gender Minority Clients‘, which can be viewed for free online here. Although aimed particularly at those delivering therapy in sexuality/gender-focused settings, this advice has relevance for health professionals working in all areas. The report states its aims: ‘These guidelines have been developed in recognition of the importance of guiding and supporting applied psychologists around their work with sexual and gender minority clients in order to enable their inclusion in clinical practice at a high standard. They also aspire to engender better understanding of clients who may have suffered social exclusion and stigmatisation in order to reduce the possibility of this in the clinical arena.’ Attention is given to the harm caused in the past by perspectives in mental health about sexuality, which began to be put right the the removal of the diagnosis of homosexuality from the DSM in 1973. However, there is still a long way to go before services truly are inclusive and sensitive to the needs their clients, regardless of their sexual or gender identity. High levels of mental health problems have been reported in this client group, but they often experience difficulty accessing services, and may experience discrimination (unintentional or otherwise) from uninformed professionals.

It’s a large document that I’m still in the process of digesting, but so far I’ve been struck by how inclusive and wide-ranging it is. The report discusses ‘less-visible’ sexualities and identities, such as the spectrum that gender identities can take, forms of bisexuality and more fluid identities. Controversial and often-overlooked topics such as non-monogamous relationships/orientation, BDSM and sex-work are also tackled. It is worded sensitively, with effort to use quotes from service-users and use current phrases and slang, to bring professionals closer to the world inhabited by the clients they may meet.  The report encourages professionals to consider their own understandings of gender and sexuality, the context we live in and how this has shaped our own and others’ perceptions of.There is also a focus on doing away with myths that perpetuate throughout the system about certain identities, and a strong opposition to attempts to ‘cure’ a sexual or gender identity. It seems to be a really positive and well-researched report that would be beneficial to individuals working in a wide range of sectors, to inform and advise on a range of issues with working with this client group. If you’ve seen the document, what were your thoughts?