Rules of Attraction – “What does that mean know me, know me, nobody ever knows anybody else, ever! You will never know me. ”
The woman in front of me frowns, frustrated. “It makes me really angry, I feel like they’re not listening to me, they just don’t understand how things are for me.” We talk about the different ways she can make herself heard, express her perspective in a way that others could be receptive to. Finding a common language to share her experience, that others can translate.
But I wonder if what we’re chasing after is actually something of a myth. This idea that if we found the right words, the right time, and said it in just the other way, others would get it. They’d be able to step into our shoes, inside our skin and really see the world as we see it. The truth is that another person can’t ever truly know what it is to be you. We don’t even know if we’re all staring at the same colour ‘blue’. The same words spoken will be heard and interpreted very different by different people, depending on their own experience and stored knowledge, or how they happen to be feeling at that moment. No matter how clearly you put it, you can’t be sure of what others will take away. And someone can spend a lot of time with you, learn all your history, your interests, your little quirks and mannerisms. And then they will know an awful lot about you, but they won’t know what it’s really like, your own private, subjective experience, what it is to be you.
Like Nagel says, despite everything we know about mammal anatomy, physiology and infra-red, we don’t really know what it’s like to be a bat.
But we want to be understood. We want to be known. The imagined intimacy that comes from someone really knowing you so entirely. Total understanding. But there will always be a limit to this (or at least until we find a way of plugging in to each other’s brains). How can we tolerate this? That total understanding is a fantasy and reality others will always get it just that bit wrong? That no matter how well you know someone, there will always be a mystery there that can’t be solved.